“As we familiarize ourself more with secure attachment, our relationships become easier and more rewarding—we’re less reactive, more receptive, more available for connection, healthier, and much more likely to bring out the securely attached tendencies in others.”
– Diane Poole Heller, a psychotherapist and expert in adult attachment theory and trauma resolution
To have secure attachments in one’s life (including at work) requires we are adequately seen, safe and soothed, which all helps us feel secure. When we don’t have these in insufficient quantity, this negatively impacts our ability to feel and act stable and confident. Then life is like being on an airplane with turbulence or a ship in a bad storm. We find it difficult to relax, to be present to anything besides our fear and discomfort, and to make contributions.
Being Seen
When I say we need to be seen, the seeing I mean is the kind we experience when people light up as we enter a room. They smile with their entire face, moving toward us with enthusiasm, and their voice communicates, “I am SO happy you’re here! You are important and you matter!!!” When we are seen in this way, the delight we feel is like the sun coming out from behind the clouds. When we are seen by enough people most of the time, we experience a sense of belonging in the community and know we are valued. This allows us to feel and act positively influential, appreciated, and inspires collaboration and generosity to flow from us. All is right in our world! What happens when we have a dry spell? When we are seen most of the time, we can weather those times we feel invisible, or worse when we are seen with disdain, disapproval or indifference. Then, we must maintain our own sense of self, drawing upon radical self-acceptance and recall of the people and times we are seen and valued. When we do this, we grow compassionate, present and caring to ourselves and others.
Being Safe
Most often, whether at work or in our private lives, we are generally physically safe, but what about our psychological safety? This is experienced when we know our reputation, status, income, unique needs and experiences matter and are safe-guarded with recognition and respect. How does one know on a practical level such safety? We see it when eight behaviors that build trust are prioritized and modelled. These include honesty, straightforwardness, disclosure, receptivity, respect, recognition, seeking excellence and following through on commitments. These show up as a refusal to tolerate any gossip, operating from positive intention, taking responsibility for relationships, productivity and engagement, and managing conflicts with alternatives to harsh or punitive reactions. Psychological safety is created when people overcommunicate their appreciation, speak their minds with ease and without an agenda, ask for what they want without demanding, and listen flexibly because they are sensitive to how others want to be seen and heard. Safety is felt when interactions are based in win/win, where power is shared rather than used to dominate in power-over, or when people do not engage in submission or power-under either. Power-within and power-between guides everyone into mutual respect and collaboration.
Being Soothed
Being soothed is the thing most people would not like to admit needing and yet we all do need it. When the chips are down, whether in large or small matters, it is essential to know people care about us and offer kindness and reassurance. At the core of my work in applied Adlerian psychology, we know the root cause of all struggles inside of us and between people, is rooted in feeling inferior; unimportant. When we have calamities at work or in our personal lives, we need to know others care about and believe in us, that they want us to rebound because we are valued. Being soothed is a hard one for most people to receive because when we need it most, we often isolate and hide this need. That’s why it’s helpful to be a trauma-informed workplace, helping everyone remember that all people comes to the table with trauma’s, small and large, that get triggered and set us back. If we remember that being open and disclosing builds trust, we connect to those around us so they can soothe and reassure us. And when we give the soothing, we feel the joy of contribution and the honor of the trust given to us as another’s vulnerability is shared. Over time, the entire group pays attention to ups and downs with appreciation and caring presence.
To create a culture where everyone is seen, safe, soothed and highly productive, call us. We specialize in this!
This article is published in the column The Extraordinary Workplace in St. Louis Small Business Monthly, July, 2025
