What You Rescue – You Make Weak
Rule of Empowerment: “Don’t do for your children anything they can do for themselves. Don’t say anything they already know.” Rudolf Dreikurs, Author, Children the Challenge In order for your children to live to highest potential, each has four core needs;...
Unresolved Psychological Contracts
“If others tell us something we make assumptions, and if they don’t tell us something we make assumptions to fulfill our need to know and to replace the need to communicate.” ― Miguel Ruiz, Author, The Four Agreements A psychological contract is beliefs people...
Complicity
“The ultimate tragedy is not the oppression and cruelty by the bad people, but the silence over that by the good people.” Martin Luther King, Jr. Someone cautioned me recently that I would offend people because I brought up toxic masculinity and that I should...
Manipulation
“Arriving at the destination is more than just having the map.” Judy Ryan, CEO LifeWork Systems Manipulation has gotten a bad rap. We often feel insulted and become defensive when we or someone we love is described as manipulative. The common belief is that...
A Fool with a Tool is Still a Fool
“A fool with a tool is still a fool.” Grady Booch, American Software Engineer In any situation involving significant transformation, the most important change process is the one within, one’s mindset. In my 12-month culture transformation process people often...
Your Greatest Barrier Is Your Pain Tolerance
“…Sometimes I suspect that what had really happened was that we became more resigned, more cynical, raised our pain thresholds as we lowered our expectations. All in all, we settled for less.” Emma Donoghue, Playwright It’s no accident we often hear, “no pain,...
Seize Opportunities Within the Great Resignation
“The true test of character is to live win-win even when promoted to positions where win-lose is possible.” ― Orrin Woodward If you search google, you’ll find The Great Resignation is defined as an informal name for the widespread trend of a significant number...
Stop Protecting Your Reputation
“The strongest oak tree of the forest is not the one protected from the storm and hidden from the sun. It’s the one that stands in the open where it is compelled to struggle for its existence against the winds and rains and the scorching sun.” ― Napoleon Hill ...
Shifting Social Power Relations
“To reflect upon the present as history is to understand that history may now be made by default. Understanding that, we no longer need accept as “necessary” the lesser evil. We no longer need to accept historical fate, for fate is a feature of specific kinds of...
The Danger in Larger-Than-Life Heroes
“The danger in larger-than-life heroes is that many get affixed to their perceived status and achievements to the cost of themselves and others.” Judy Ryan, CEO LifeWork Systems I have met leaders who have accomplished great things. They have turned around...
Use of Power
“The day the power of love overrules the love of power, the world will know peace.” ― Mahatma Gandhi “Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.” ― Abraham Lincoln I was not sure whether to call this...
S.L.A.M. Say Less; Ask More
“There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.” Edith Wharton, a novelist Many people confuse leading people with managing people and caring for or loving people with worry or concern for them. When we worry about another...
Are My People Responsible Even When No One’s Watching?
“Integrity is doing the right thing even when no one is watching.” S. Lewis For years, I have been spitting in the soup of leaders using control models whether in homes, schools, community organizations or businesses. Engaging in control models is choosing...
Rip Out ALL the Roots
“There is a law that man should love his neighbor as himself. In a few hundred years it should be as natural to mankind as breathing or the upright gait; but if he does not learn it he must perish.” Alfred Adler To exact improvements in our society, we all must become...
Episode 8 – If Not Punishment, Then What?
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Power Distance Index – Managing Relationships with Authority
“Some societies and religions have a tendency to expand the moral circle and to consider all humans as belonging to a single moral community.” Geert Hofstede, Social Psychologist I was re-reading Malcolm Gladwell’s book Outliers and he hit upon a theme I see a lot...
The Absence of Punishment in Our Schools
While this article is about schools, the information on trauma-informed and why use of punishment and rewards are counter-productive, is relevant not only in schools but in all organizations and to everyone within them. As is our practice when posting industry...
Episode 2 – Are You a Puppet Or Powerful?
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Episode 1- Spitting in the Soup
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This topic is designed to challenge basic norms we’ve held sacrosanct for centuries. These are the four control models described in this episode as widely promoted means to cultivate good citizenship in homes, schools, churches, and workplaces; really everywhere. This episode helps listeners to recognize these as the impediments they are and that they need to be dismantled and replaced with new models.
Spitting In The Soup
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People are always motivated. It’s not anyone’s job to motivate others. People can control themselves. They can do what’s right and don’t need approval or shaming to do so. They don’t need to be enabled. The problem is we don’t have faith in people nor do we know how to effectively teach them to pick up responsibility for things that are theirs to own. When we learn to do so, others can become accountable, caring and fully engaged, making a positive difference in your business.
Honesty is the Best Policy – or is it?
“Failure of an employee to speak up in a crucial moment cannot be seen. This is true whether that employee is on the front lines of customer service or sitting next to you in the executive board room. And because not offering an idea is an invisible act, it’s...
Why Transparency CAN Become a Bloodbath
“Killers aren’t always assassins. Sometimes, they don’t even have blood on their hands.” ~ Ruta Sepetys, Author I once knew a school teacher who quit her job teaching 8th graders (which she loved) to work for my company transforming school cultures where...
Managing Frustrations in a Frustrating World
“Face challenges, fear, and frustration by seeking out knowledge and opportunities for growth.” ~ Fanny Mairena Today’s leaders must be powerful without entering into the fray caused by frustration. They must refrain from the all-to-often ugly,...
Discarding the Monster Box
“A man who picks up a cat by its tail will learn a lesson he can learn no other way.” ~ Mark Twain Your business will improve if you remember some important facts. One is that we are all more alike than different. The other is that we must all put away the monster...
Is Love More Powerful Than Hate?
“You are a child of God. You’re playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.” Marianne Williamson I often ask, “How many of you see struggles...
Is Your Workplace Psychologically Safe?
“In general, only a child who feels safe dares to grow forward healthily. His safety needs must be gratified. He can’t be pushed ahead, because the ungratified safety needs will remain forever underground, always calling for satisfaction.” Abraham Maslow You see it...
When You Can’t Help or Fix A Relationship
Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown. Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus. ~ Unknown Sometimes we keep going to the circus because we don’t realize that’s where we are. Someone recently asked, “what would you tell a person going through a...
Kinds Of People You Need
“A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities and an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties.” Harry Truman No matter what your role, you have an important mission and vision to fulfill at both work and home. You also...
If Not Punishment, Then What?
Toxic Shame is a neurotic, irrational feeling of worthlessness, humiliation, self-loathing and paralyzing feeling that has been inflicted onto an individual through repeated, traumatic experiences often, but not always, rooted in childhood. When shame becomes...
Intention Equals Results
“The truth is incontrovertible. Panic may resent it, ignorance may deride it, malice may distort it, but there it is.” Winston Churchill Intention is a function of our minds and is a causal activity. In other words, whether we use our minds consciously or...
Disengagement is Betrayal
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?” Actually, who are you...
Accountability IS Happiness!
“While it doesn’t sound too exciting, I believe happiness is being 100% accountable for your life.” Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love I couldn’t agree more. Being accountable is taking 100% responsibility for your relationships, your motivation,...
Become the Best Version of YOU!
“The actual processes of individuation—the conscious coming-to-terms with one’s own inner center (psychic nucleus) or Self—generally begins with a wounding of the personality and the suffering that accompanies it. This initial shock amounts to a sort of a...
Inadequacy: I Can’t, So Leave Me Alone!
“Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.” Henry Ford Ever know a person who feels like the human version of Eeyore? They assume “I can’t” and refuse to try. Their behavior communicates, “Just leave me alone”. They look and act pathetic. They...
Choose Helpful AND Harmless
“It always seems impossible until it is done” Nelson Mandela I often reflect on how many people are “checked out” at work, home, and school; they are suffering and barely surviving, rather than overcoming and thriving. The main reason for this...
Transforming Discouragement
“Inferiority feelings rule the mental life and can be clearly recognized in the sense of deficiency and dissatisfaction, and in uninterrupted struggles both within individuals and humanity.” Alfred Adler, Psychiatrist, 1870-1937 The Current Dilemma It’s clear that our...
Millennials: Canaries In The Coal Mine
“Age is no better, hardly so well, qualified for an instructor as youth, for it has not profited so much as it has lost.” Henry David Thoreau, Walden & Civil Disobedience A canary in the coal mine refers to a time when canaries (birds) were carried down into mine...
Be Unconsciously Competent
“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” “We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us”. Joseph Campbell, Author Often, we are afraid to make even positive changes because we have...
Cruelest Three Words: “Get Over It!”
“The purpose of all relationships is to create a sacred context within which you can express the fullness of who you are.” Neale Donald Walsh In my work, the greatest setbacks and arrested development of people is connected with a preponderance of...
When We Fear Consequences
“Don’t only practice your art, but force your way into its secrets, for it and knowledge, can raise men to the Divine.”Ludwig vonBeethoven One of the things I notice about many people (including myself) is that we often become paralyzed in our will because we fear...
Cover Story: Me Too: Unwrapping Abuse Systems
“An insight the size of a mustard seed is powerful enough to bring down a mountain-sized illusion that may be holding our lives together. Truth strikes without mercy. We fear our intuitions because we fear the transformational power within our revelations.”...
The Preponderance of Neglect
“Most organizations don’t fall apart as a result of one big blow. Most relationships don’t end because of one grand argument. Most lives don’t fall to pieces due to one sad event. No, I suggest to you that sustained failure happens as the consequence of small,...
Why Are We So Stuck?
“One of the true tests of leadership is the ability to recognize a problem before it becomes an emergency.” Arnold H. Glasgow This is a challenging time to be American. On the one hand people are talking about recurrent themes such as inequality,...
“I’m Sorry You Feel That Way” – “I Never Intended That…”
“If you own the story you get to write the ending.” Brene Brown “We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but by the responsibility for our future.” George Bernard Shaw Why It’s Never Helpful to Say, “I’m Sorry You Feel That Way…” or “I Never...
What Does “I’m Right; You’re Wrong” Cost?
“Remember, we see the world not as it is but as we are. Most of us see through the eyes of our fears and our limiting beliefs and our false assumptions.” Robin S. Sharma “Don’t Make Assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really...
You Make Sense & Deserve Compassion
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always. Unknown What if you knew every reaction (and even what you fear are over-reactions) you experience is based on legitimate reasons and deserves caring attention and understanding...
Top 10 Problems Facing Leaders
More than ever, your people are key to the success of your business. When they are adaptable and courageous, they help you overcome problems quickly and competently. The following are some of the top problems often faced by business leaders and their staff:...
Don’t Hold Up Progress
“Success on any major scale requires you to accept responsibility . . . In the final analysis, the one quality that all successful people have is the ability to take on responsibility.” Michael Korda “Accountability separates the wishers in life...
It Feels Real: Am I Being Punished?
“Children are great observers but poor interpreters.” Rudolf Dreikurs, parent educator, author and psychologist Why this feeling?When we were children, one of the ways we could create the illusion life was not careening out of control when scary or sad things...
Power Over? Power Under? Power Within!
“If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart.” Nelson Mandela I was born and raised in Ferguson, MO and recent events there have provided an opportunity to write on beliefs...
What You Protect, You Make Weak – Empowering vs. Enabling
Rule of Empowerment: “Don’t do for others anything they can do for themselves. Don’t say anything they already know.” Rudolf Dreikurs In order for people to live to highest potential, each has four core needs; to feel empowered, lovable, connected and...
Shifting From Victim to Victor
“Good people are not those who lack flaws, the brave are not those who feel no fear, and the generous are not those who never feel selfish. Extraordinary people ae not extraordinary because they are invulnerable to unconscious biases. They are extraordinary because...
You’re Not The Boss of Me!
“Trying to win a power struggle is like trying to win a nuclear war. You may achieve your goal, but not without catastrophic casualties on both sides.” Jamie Raser, Author of Raising Children You Can Live With A man I know refuses to wear his safety belt...
Redirecting Negative Behavior
“A misbehaving person is a discouraged person.” ~ Dr. Rudulf Dreikurs Are you challenged by poor behavior? Could it be discouragement despite appearances? What thoughts do you think, words do you say to and about them, and what do you do when others: Annoy and...
Holding Others Accountable
“The committed heart finds a way. The uncommitted heart finds an excuse.” Unknown Your daughter or son agrees to complete a chore and you arrive home only to find it incomplete once again. You ask one of your employees to contribute an important section of your team...
2. Honesty: Don’t Play Others, Don’t Play You!
“When you face a choice between being polite and being honest, err on the side of the truth. It’s better to be disliked but respected than to be liked and disrespected. In the long run, the people we trust the most are those who have the courage to be sincere.” Adam...
8. Seeking Excellence: Are You All You Can Be?
“Excellence is never an accident. It is always the result of high intention, sincere effort, and intelligent execution; it represents the wise choice of many alternatives – choice, not chance, determines your destiny.” Aristotle Seeking excellence...
How Do I Deal With That Annoying Person?
“There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you’re busy interrupting.” Mark Twain You know that person who cracks a joke at an inopportune moment? Taps their pen on the conference room desk? Stands at your door while you’re on the...
Reasons We Gossip & What To Do Instead
“How would your life be different if…You walked away from gossip and verbal defamation? Let today be the day…You speak only the good you know of other people and encourage others to do the same.” Steve Maraboli, Author, Life, the Truth, and Being Free Most people...
Why Are You So Mean?
“People are not mean to us because they don’t like us, but because they don’t like themselves.” Jodi Aman What Did I Do To Deserve that?! You know those times when out of the blue, someone does or says something that shocks and hurts you? In that moment, you’re...
The Dysfunctional Bunch
“Creating chaos provides excitement for some people, especially those who are uneasy with silence, those who distract themselves from their own problems by focusing outward, those who feel empty inside and need to fill themselves up with activity, and those who were...
Who Do You Think You Are?!
Ever encounter those people you feel like asking, “Who died and made you God?” You resist supporting them, thinking and saying anything nice about or to them and even if you don’t generally gossip, they’re the ones you’re most likely to tear down (or rip apart!), and...
Longing for the Good Old Days?
“The good old days were never that good, believe me. The good new days are today, and better days are coming tomorrow. Our greatest songs are still unsung.” Hubert Humphrey “Why can’t we go back to the good old days when people knew how to behave?!” While I was...
How to Emotionally Handle Terminations
by Julia Paulus (referencing Judy Ryan and LifeWork Systems) SBM, March 2010 Getting fired is obviously difficult for an employee. But firing someone is also hard for owners and managers – probably one of the hardest things they ever have to do. This is especially...
Can a Team-Hater Engage Employees?
by Julia Paulus (referencing Judy Ryan and LifeWork Systems) SBM, March 2010 I don’t like teams. Back in school, I hated classes when we had to do group projects. My group was always the one where a couple of people did nothing and still got the grade. The same...
What Does it Take to Build Trust?
I’ve delivered many team building workshops to corporations, schools and parent groups in which I focus on the behaviors that build trust and those that don’t. One behavior destructive to any team is gossip and part of my program is an invitation to enter a mind trust...
Shift Enemies To Friends
Have you ever met someone you felt completely in sync with? Entrainment is a term used to express how the human body assumes a sympathetic response to stimuli much the way scientists have discovered that two heart cells put together in the same room begin to beat as...
The Biggest Loser
The show “The Biggest Loser” is very popular. In it we see men and women who are determined to make monumental changes and are willing to embrace new habits and significant personal discomfort to do so. When I recently asked one of my friends what they...
No I Won’t, You Can’t Make Me!
Power Struggles: Opportunities for Connection Yes, we all know what it is to be in a power struggle, whether it’s with a parent, child, spouse, lover, friend or co-worker. Power struggles are fraught with tension, anger and provocation. The feeling on one or both...