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Unresolved Psychological Contracts

Unresolved Psychological Contracts

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“If others tell us something we make assumptions, and if they don’t tell us something we make assumptions to fulfill our need to know and to replace the need to communicate.” ― Miguel Ruiz, Author, The Four Agreements   A...
Complicity

Complicity

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“The ultimate tragedy is not the oppression and cruelty by the bad people, but the silence over that by the good people.” Martin Luther King, Jr.   Someone cautioned me recently that I would offend people because I brought...
Manipulation

Manipulation

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“Arriving at the destination is more than just having the map.” Judy Ryan, CEO LifeWork Systems   Manipulation has gotten a bad rap. We often feel insulted and become defensive when we or someone we love is described as...
A Fool with a Tool is Still a Fool

A Fool with a Tool is Still a Fool

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“A fool with a tool is still a fool.” Grady Booch, American Software Engineer   In any situation involving significant transformation, the most important change process is the one within, one’s mindset. In my 12-month culture...
Your Greatest Barrier Is Your Pain Tolerance

Your Greatest Barrier Is Your Pain Tolerance

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“…Sometimes I suspect that what had really happened was that we became more resigned, more cynical, raised our pain thresholds as we lowered our expectations. All in all, we settled for less.” Emma Donoghue, Playwright   It’s...
Seize Opportunities Within the Great Resignation

Seize Opportunities Within the Great Resignation

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“The true test of character is to live win-win even when promoted to positions where win-lose is possible.” ― Orrin Woodward   If you search google, you’ll find The Great Resignation is defined as an informal name for the...
Stop Protecting Your Reputation

Stop Protecting Your Reputation

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“The strongest oak tree of the forest is not the one protected from the storm and hidden from the sun. It’s the one that stands in the open where it is compelled to struggle for its existence against the winds and rains and...
Shifting Social Power Relations

Shifting Social Power Relations

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“To reflect upon the present as history is to understand that history may now be made by default. Understanding that, we no longer need accept as “necessary” the lesser evil. We no longer need to accept historical fate, for fate is...
The Danger in Larger-Than-Life Heroes

The Danger in Larger-Than-Life Heroes

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“The danger in larger-than-life heroes is that many get affixed to their perceived status and achievements to the cost of themselves and others.” Judy Ryan, CEO LifeWork Systems I have met leaders who have accomplished great things....
Use of Power

Use of Power

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“The day the power of love overrules the love of power, the world will know peace.” ― Mahatma Gandhi   “Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.” ― Abraham Lincoln   I...
S.L.A.M. Say Less; Ask More

S.L.A.M. Say Less; Ask More

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.” Edith Wharton, a novelist Many people confuse leading people with managing people and caring for or loving people with worry or concern for...
Are My People Responsible Even When No One’s Watching?

Are My People Responsible Even When No One’s Watching?

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“Integrity is doing the right thing even when no one is watching.” S. Lewis   For years, I have been spitting in the soup of leaders using control models whether in homes, schools, community organizations or businesses....
Rip Out ALL the Roots

Rip Out ALL the Roots

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“There is a law that man should love his neighbor as himself. In a few hundred years it should be as natural to mankind as breathing or the upright gait; but if he does not learn it he must perish.” Alfred Adler To exact...
Power Distance Index – Managing Relationships with Authority

Power Distance Index – Managing Relationships with Authority

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“Some societies and religions have a tendency to expand the moral circle and to consider all humans as belonging to a single moral community.” Geert Hofstede, Social Psychologist I was re-reading Malcolm Gladwell’s book Outliers and...
The Absence of Punishment in Our Schools

The Absence of Punishment in Our Schools

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedinWhile this article is about schools, the information on trauma-informed and why use of punishment and rewards are counter-productive, is relevant not only in schools but in all organizations and to everyone within them. As is our...
Episode 1- Spitting in the Soup

Episode 1- Spitting in the Soup

This topic is designed to challenge basic norms we’ve held sacrosanct for centuries. These are the four control models described in this episode as widely promoted means to cultivate good citizenship in homes, schools, churches, and workplaces; really everywhere. This episode helps listeners to recognize these as the impediments they are and that they need to be dismantled and replaced with new models.

Episode 1- Spitting in the Soup

Spitting In The Soup

People are always motivated. It’s not anyone’s job to motivate others. People can control themselves. They can do what’s right and don’t need approval or shaming to do so. They don’t need to be enabled. The problem is we don’t have faith in people nor do we know how to effectively teach them to pick up responsibility for things that are theirs to own. When we learn to do so, others can become accountable, caring and fully engaged, making a positive difference in your business.

Honesty is the Best Policy – or is it?

Honesty is the Best Policy – or is it?

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“Failure of an employee to speak up in a crucial moment cannot be seen. This is true whether that employee is on the front lines of customer service or sitting next to you in the executive board room. And because not offering an...
Why Transparency CAN Become a Bloodbath

Why Transparency CAN Become a Bloodbath

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“Killers aren’t always assassins. Sometimes, they don’t even have blood on their hands.”   ~ Ruta Sepetys, Author I once knew a school teacher who quit her job teaching 8th graders (which she loved) to work for my...
Managing Frustrations in a Frustrating World

Managing Frustrations in a Frustrating World

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“Face challenges, fear, and frustration by seeking out knowledge and opportunities for growth.”  ~ Fanny Mairena Today’s leaders must be powerful without entering into the fray caused by frustration. They must refrain...
Discarding the Monster Box

Discarding the Monster Box

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“A man who picks up a cat by its tail will learn a lesson he can learn no other way.”     ~ Mark Twain Your business will improve if you remember some important facts. One is that we are all more alike than different. The other is...
Is Love More Powerful Than Hate?

Is Love More Powerful Than Hate?

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“You are a child of God. You’re playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.”                          Marianne Williamson I often...
Is Your Workplace Psychologically Safe?

Is Your Workplace Psychologically Safe?

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“In general, only a child who feels safe dares to grow forward healthily. His safety needs must be gratified. He can’t be pushed ahead, because the ungratified safety needs will remain forever underground, always calling for...
When You Can’t Help or Fix A Relationship

When You Can’t Help or Fix A Relationship

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedinDon’t blame a clown for acting like a clown. Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus. ~ Unknown Sometimes we keep going to the circus because we don’t realize that’s where we are. Someone recently asked, “what...
Kinds Of People You Need

Kinds Of People You Need

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities and an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties.” Harry Truman No matter what your role, you have an important mission and vision to...
If Not Punishment, Then What?

If Not Punishment, Then What?

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedinToxic Shame is a neurotic, irrational feeling of worthlessness, humiliation, self-loathing and paralyzing feeling that has been inflicted onto an individual through repeated, traumatic experiences often, but not always, rooted in...
Intention Equals Results

Intention Equals Results

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin “The truth is incontrovertible. Panic may resent it, ignorance may deride it, malice may distort it, but there it is.” Winston Churchill Intention is a function of our minds and is a causal activity. In other words, whether we use...
Disengagement is Betrayal

Disengagement is Betrayal

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,...
Accountability IS Happiness!

Accountability IS Happiness!

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“While it doesn’t sound too exciting, I believe happiness is being 100% accountable for your life.”   Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love I couldn’t agree more. Being accountable is taking 100%...
Become the Best Version of YOU!

Become the Best Version of YOU!

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“The actual processes of individuation—the conscious coming-to-terms with one’s own inner center (psychic nucleus) or Self—generally begins with a wounding of the personality and the suffering that accompanies it. This...
Inadequacy: I Can’t, So Leave Me Alone!

Inadequacy: I Can’t, So Leave Me Alone!

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.” Henry Ford Ever know a person who feels like the human version of Eeyore? They assume “I can’t” and refuse to try. Their behavior communicates, “Just leave me...
Choose Helpful AND Harmless

Choose Helpful AND Harmless

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“It always seems impossible until it is done”   Nelson Mandela I often reflect on how many people are “checked out” at work, home, and school; they are suffering and barely surviving, rather than overcoming and...
Transforming Discouragement

Transforming Discouragement

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“Inferiority feelings rule the mental life and can be clearly recognized in the sense of deficiency and dissatisfaction, and in uninterrupted struggles both within individuals and humanity.” Alfred Adler, Psychiatrist, 1870-1937 The...
Millennials: Canaries In The Coal Mine

Millennials: Canaries In The Coal Mine

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“Age is no better, hardly so well, qualified for an instructor as youth, for it has not profited so much as it has lost.” Henry David Thoreau, Walden & Civil Disobedience A canary in the coal mine refers to a time when canaries...
Be Unconsciously Competent

Be Unconsciously Competent

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” “We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us”. Joseph Campbell, Author Often, we are afraid to make...
Cruelest Three Words: “Get Over It!”

Cruelest Three Words: “Get Over It!”

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“The purpose of all relationships is to create a sacred context within which you can express the fullness of who you are.” Neale Donald Walsh In my work, the greatest setbacks and arrested development of people is...
When We Fear Consequences

When We Fear Consequences

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“Don’t only practice your art, but force your way into its secrets, for it and knowledge, can raise men to the Divine.”Ludwig vonBeethoven One of the things I notice about many people (including myself) is that we often become...
Cover Story: Me Too: Unwrapping Abuse Systems

Cover Story: Me Too: Unwrapping Abuse Systems

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“An insight the size of a mustard seed is powerful enough to bring down a mountain-sized illusion that may be holding our lives together. Truth strikes without mercy. We fear our intuitions because we fear the transformational...
The Preponderance of Neglect

The Preponderance of Neglect

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“Most organizations don’t fall apart as a result of one big blow. Most relationships don’t end because of one grand argument. Most lives don’t fall to pieces due to one sad event. No, I suggest to you that sustained failure...
Episode 8 – If Not Punishment, Then What?

Why Are We So Stuck?

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“One of the true tests of leadership is the ability to recognize a problem before it becomes an emergency.”   Arnold H. Glasgow This is a challenging time to be American. On the one hand people are talking about...
“I’m Sorry You Feel That Way” – “I Never Intended That…”

“I’m Sorry You Feel That Way” – “I Never Intended That…”

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“If you own the story you get to write the ending.” Brene Brown   “We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but by the responsibility for our future.” George Bernard Shaw Why It’s Never Helpful to Say, “I’m Sorry...
What Does “I’m Right; You’re Wrong” Cost?

What Does “I’m Right; You’re Wrong” Cost?

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“Remember, we see the world not as it is but as we are. Most of us see through the eyes of our fears and our limiting beliefs and our false assumptions.” Robin S. Sharma “Don’t Make Assumptions. Find the courage to ask...
You Make Sense & Deserve Compassion

You Make Sense & Deserve Compassion

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedinEveryone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.   Unknown What if you knew every reaction (and even what you fear are over-reactions) you experience is based on legitimate reasons and deserves...
Top 10 Problems Facing Leaders

Top 10 Problems Facing Leaders

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedinMore than ever, your people are key to the success of your business. When they are adaptable and courageous, they help you overcome problems quickly and competently. The following are some of the top problems often faced by business...
Don’t Hold Up Progress

Don’t Hold Up Progress

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“Success on any major scale requires you to accept responsibility . . .  In the final analysis, the one quality that all successful people have is the ability to take on responsibility.” Michael Korda...
It Feels Real: Am I Being Punished?

It Feels Real: Am I Being Punished?

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“Children are great observers but poor interpreters.” Rudolf Dreikurs, parent educator, author and psychologist Why this feeling?When we were children, one of the ways we could create the illusion life was not careening out of...
Power Over? Power Under? Power Within!

Power Over? Power Under? Power Within!

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart.” Nelson Mandela   I was born and raised in Ferguson, MO and recent events there have...
What You Protect, You Make Weak – Empowering vs. Enabling

What You Protect, You Make Weak – Empowering vs. Enabling

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedinRule of Empowerment: “Don’t do for others anything they can do for themselves.  Don’t say anything they already know.” Rudolf Dreikurs In order for people to live to highest potential, each has four core needs; to feel...
Shifting From Victim to Victor

Shifting From Victim to Victor

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“Good people are not those who lack flaws, the brave are not those who feel no fear, and the generous are not those who never feel selfish. Extraordinary people ae not extraordinary because they are invulnerable to unconscious...
You’re Not The Boss of Me!

You’re Not The Boss of Me!

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“Trying to win a power struggle is like trying to win a nuclear war. You may achieve your goal, but not without catastrophic casualties on both sides.” Jamie Raser, Author of Raising Children You Can Live With   A man I know...
Redirecting Negative Behavior

Redirecting Negative Behavior

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“A misbehaving person is a discouraged person.” ~ Dr. Rudulf Dreikurs Are you challenged by poor behavior? Could it be discouragement despite appearances? What thoughts do you think, words do you say to and about them, and what...
Holding Others Accountable

Holding Others Accountable

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“The committed heart finds a way. The uncommitted heart finds an excuse.” Unknown Your daughter or son agrees to complete a chore and you arrive home only to find it incomplete once again. You ask one of your employees to contribute...
2. Honesty: Don’t Play Others, Don’t Play You!

2. Honesty: Don’t Play Others, Don’t Play You!

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“When you face a choice between being polite and being honest, err on the side of the truth. It’s better to be disliked but respected than to be liked and disrespected. In the long run, the people we trust the most are those who...
8. Seeking Excellence: Are You All You Can Be?

8. Seeking Excellence: Are You All You Can Be?

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“Excellence is never an accident. It is always the result of high intention, sincere effort, and intelligent execution; it represents the wise choice of many alternatives – choice, not chance, determines your destiny.”     ...
How Do I Deal With That Annoying Person?

How Do I Deal With That Annoying Person?

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you’re busy interrupting.” Mark Twain   You know that person who cracks a joke at an inopportune moment? Taps their pen on the conference room desk? Stands...
Reasons We Gossip & What To Do Instead

Reasons We Gossip & What To Do Instead

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“How would your life be different if…You walked away from gossip and verbal defamation? Let today be the day…You speak only the good you know of other people and encourage others to do the same.” Steve Maraboli, Author, Life, the...
Why Are You So Mean?

Why Are You So Mean?

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“People are not mean to us because they don’t like us, but because they don’t like themselves.” Jodi Aman What Did I Do To Deserve that?! You know those times when out of the blue, someone does or says something that shocks and...
The Dysfunctional Bunch

The Dysfunctional Bunch

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“Creating chaos provides excitement for some people, especially those who are uneasy with silence, those who distract themselves from their own problems by focusing outward, those who feel empty inside and need to fill themselves up...
Who Do You Think You Are?!

Who Do You Think You Are?!

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedinEver encounter those people you feel like asking, “Who died and made you God?” You resist supporting them, thinking and saying anything nice about or to them and even if you don’t generally gossip, they’re the ones you’re most...
Longing for the Good Old Days?

Longing for the Good Old Days?

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin“The good old days were never that good, believe me. The good new days are today, and better days are coming tomorrow. Our greatest songs are still unsung.”     Hubert Humphrey “Why can’t we go back to the good old days when people...
How to Emotionally Handle Terminations

How to Emotionally Handle Terminations

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedinby Julia Paulus (referencing Judy Ryan and LifeWork Systems) SBM, March 2010 Getting fired is obviously difficult for an employee. But firing someone is also hard for owners and managers – probably one of the hardest things they...
Can a Team-Hater Engage Employees?

Can a Team-Hater Engage Employees?

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedinby Julia Paulus (referencing Judy Ryan and LifeWork Systems) SBM, March 2010 I don’t like teams.  Back in school, I hated classes when we had to do group projects.  My group was always the one where a couple of people did nothing...
What Does it Take to Build Trust?

What Does it Take to Build Trust?

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedinI’ve delivered many team building workshops to corporations, schools and parent groups in which I focus on the behaviors that build trust and those that don’t. One behavior destructive to any team is gossip and part of my program is...
Shift Enemies To Friends

Shift Enemies To Friends

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedinHave you ever met someone you felt completely in sync with? Entrainment is a term used to express how the human body assumes a sympathetic response to stimuli much the way scientists have discovered that two heart cells put together...
The Biggest Loser

The Biggest Loser

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedinThe show “The Biggest Loser” is very popular. In it we see men and women who are determined to make monumental changes and are willing to embrace new habits and significant personal discomfort to do so. When I recently...
No I Won’t, You Can’t Make Me!

No I Won’t, You Can’t Make Me!

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedinPower Struggles: Opportunities for Connection Yes, we all know what it is to be in a power struggle, whether it’s with a parent, child, spouse, lover, friend or co-worker. Power struggles are fraught with tension, anger and...
Dismantling Bullying Systems

Dismantling Bullying Systems

Share this...FacebookTwitterLinkedin(The story in this article may be an example involving students, but the message for the workplace is just as relevant) “As long as victims and bullies see themselves in diametrically opposed positions, (and they will if we...